I was someone who thought I had it all figured out.
Especially when it came to what kind of boy I should date. I never listened to what God wanted because I thought I knew better. I didn’t think I had to give that area of my life to God.
That prideful way of thinking got me into some pretty awful situations with the boys that I chose to go out with that included abuse in every sense of the word. I let boys run my life and dictate what I would do and how I would do it. I would not even consult God to see if this was what He wanted first. And it almost never was. I made the boys God in a sense, in my own mind.
For five years this continued until God took me and shook me. God did an amazing thing in my life, but it was one of the hardest that has ever been done to me at the same time. It was the most loving and quiet gesture but it rocked my world. My laptop started going a bit haywire one night after one of the roughest and most abusive nights I had ever had, and it started playing a song called 'How He Loves', except skipping each time and going back to the “He is jealous for me” part at the beginning. It continued to do this until the message completely sunk in.
I felt so broken, but not the every day broken that I had always felt. I felt broken for God. Through my tears, I started typing out a promise to God. “He is jealous for me. He doesn’t like it when my love, affections and trust go to others alone. Those things deserve to go to Him. He needs to come first in my life, above all else. From now on I will live out what He wants for me.”.
That was the last night I ever got abused by a boy. It was liberating, but hard. When you give your life over to a person like that instead of to God, it can be hard to give it back to God until you get used to it. I just had to pray and stay away from boys and focus on God and building myself back up to where He wanted me to be. It was hard, but I could not do it without Him.
And after a year and a half, God gave me a man that loves Him with everything he has and treats me like a man who loves Jesus should. He is nothing like the man I had ever pictured myself to be with. But this is who God wants me to be with, and I know that deep in my heart. I couldn’t be happier, and it surprised me because it was never what I wanted. It was entirely God’s choosing.
I am now someone that knows I don’t have it all figured out. But I know God does. And if I listen to Him and do what He wants, I know my life will be better than anything I or anyone else could ever make it be. I am now someone who lets God run my life, because I know I can’t do it on my own.